How do I get my girlfriend to stop procrastinating and to start taking our shared finances seriously?
Dear Metro Money,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We have an incredible relationship and recently moved in together. To that end, we decided to get a joint account for all of our shared expenses, like rent, utilities, date nights, etc.
We agreed that since we both make similar incomes that we would contribute to our joint account equally. For the first month, I put in $2,000. She asked to only put in $1,500; and that she would make up the difference in the next month.
However, the next month came; and she was short the amount owed to me. She asked to contribute another $1,500; and that she would make up the (now) $1,000 owed to me the following month. It's now time to contribute to our joint account again--and again, she's asked to defer what she owes me to the next month.
When I ask her why she's deferred what's owed to our joint account multiple times, she says she's having a tough month and that she needs another month "to get her together." She does seem stressed about money, but we live together and I can see how much she's spending on non-essentials (e.g. shopping, girls' trips, going-out, etc.)
I don't want to seem judgmental on how she spends her money, because we aren't married and our finances are largely separate. But at the same time, if she has money for trips and brunch, then she has money to contribute to our joint account. It doesn't seem fair for me to be paying more of our shared bills, so she can "unwind" with more of her own discretionary spending.
I feel awful for saying this, but this feels like a deal-breaker to me. I don't think my girlfriend is trying to take advantage of me--she does seem truly anxious and stressed out, and maybe spending on retail therapy helps. But I can't help but ask: what about me?
- Me, Myself, and I
Dear Me, Myself and I,
You're asking: what about me? It's a good question to ask, especially given the situation here: You and your girlfriend agreed on a clear structure to shared bills and expenses, you held up on your end, and she did not. So what now?
I think you should sit down with your girlfriend and let her know that her inability to contribute equally to your shared expenses is causing stress in the relationship for you. Ask if she understands the arrangement you two decided on together, and clear up any confusion. If there is no confusion, then probe on why she's unable to pay.
If she's genuinely unable to pay (even if you subtract the non-essential spending), then you two need to assess your combined incomes and expenses together. You mentioned that you have similar incomes, but do you have similar income to debt ratios? Is she burdened with a car loan or student debt that you're not thinking about? Perhaps you split your expenses based on the ratio of income brought in, AFTER debt payments. Perhaps you cut certain expenses, in order to keep your shared finances lower. Perhaps she needs to start looking at side hustles or extra income, to make ends meet while she searches for a higher paying job.
If she's able to pay, but just isn't--that's a different problem. If she has a deep seated problem of spending money to cope with anxiety, ask her what's causing her stress. Is there something she's afraid to talk about and is silently treating it with retail therapy? If so, it may be worthwhile for her to seek therapy while learning about money management.
Lastly, you say this is a deal-breaker for you, which I think is fair. Be honest with your girlfriend about that; and let her know that if there isn't a resolution to this problem, you'll have to consider parting ways. While you can be there to support her, at the end of the day, it's her responsibility to figure out how to handle this longer term. Procrastinating and pushing to the next month is not a good enough plan.
Good luck,
Metro Money
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